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Wabbit Season

I had come home from work, ready to take a taste of the glorious head of broccoli that I had had grown. When I arrived, I found it chewed down to a small green nub poking out of the mulch. Apparently, a family of rabbits had taken it upon themselves to make a feast out of my work. Words cannot describe the ire that I felt toward the hideous beasts. And so, as is my Constitutional right, I took up my arms and stood guard to defend my property against the invading hare force.

My neighbor found me there, like Elmer Fudd from the Bugs Bunny cartoons, sitting in my armchair with my weapon perched readily on my lap. I had filled the hopper with paintballs, made sure the air tank was filled, and I was ready for one of those destructive creatures to show his ugly face. Any rabbit that dared to touch anything else in my garden would feel the wrath of a flurry of paintballs.

My neighbor probably should have walked away at this point, but I think curiosity got the better of him and he had to ask what I was doing. I explained my rabbit dilemma to him and he laughed. So I shot him the foot with a paintball. He began to walk away, threatening not to tell me the safer – and saner – way to get rid of the rabbit infestation. So I apologized, and he taught me what he knew about bunnies.

The rabbits ate my broccoli, but they also eat beans and other small vegetables. My neighbor told me that the best way to keep them from doing further damage was to put up a small fence. It only had to be about two feet tall to keep the rabbits out. However, he told me to be careful and make sure that I bury a few inches of it in the ground because the rabbits will burrow underneath it. They can also squeeze through openings that seem to be smaller than themselves. With openings more than two inches wide, this is a possibility.

My neighbor disapproved of my hunting rabbits with paintballs. He said there were products out there that would humanely and safely take care of the rabbits. He first suggested dried blood. I immediately had an idea on where I could find – or make – some. However, he said that many greenhouses actually stock it. He also said that fox urine – also available at greenhouses – does the same thing. The odors keep the little bunnies away since they think a predator might be near. I wondered if they could smell me and know that I was a vicious predator too.

Though I was somewhat disappointed in my hunting excursion, I saw my neighbor’s point. He gave me some safe and humane ideas to keep my food safe from the vicious predators. And no rabbits were harmed in the making of this piece.

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